Artemis Fowl

I think that maybe if I had never read any of the Artemis Fowl books, then I would merely hate this movie. But I have read them, and that makes it even worse. There are multiple characters in this movie who are doing a bad Cookie Monster voice, and the character with the worst voice of them all (Josh Gagrid) is also the narrator somehow? A decision which was both 100% unnecessary and 1000% annoying. As I stated, I read the books, but I want to be clear that I don't believe this movie is just a bad adaptation of that series, it is, stand-alone, pure fucking nonsense. Nothing in this movie is good, obviously, but nothing in this movie is even... an event. There is no throughline or followable plot or engagement between the characters and the audience or each other. I loathed almost every single moment of _Artemis Fowl_ and I don't want to spend any more time talking about it. _Final rating:½ - So bad it’s offensive. I may never fully recover._

In today’s lecture titled “When Disney Films Go Wrong,” I present “Artemis Fowl,” a wholly unredeemable mess of a movie from director Kenneth Branagh. The studio dumped this trash heap on Disney+, and even the home streaming platform is far more than it deserves. There’s very little magic in this CGI-heavy family film, and it’s more of a yawn-fest than the engrossing adventure it obviously aspired to be. Based on the first two books in author Eoin Colfer’s wildly popular children’s fantasy series, “Artemis Fowl” tells the ho-hum story of adolescent criminal genius Artemis (Ferdia Shaw), an annoying kid who captures vicious fairy Holly Short (Lara McDonnell) at her underground world in an attempt to harness the magical powers needed to rescue his dad (Colin Farrell). There isn’t much more to the plot than this, and the whole thing reeks of a grossly subpar “Harry Potter” rip-off. Even the story’s narrator, the oversized dwarf Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad), is a dead ringer for Hagrid. The cast ranges from irritating and distracting (Shaw, McDonnell) to really talented actors who probably should’ve known better than to accept their roles for a Disney payday (Farrell, Gad, Judi Dench). The movie gets progressively worse as it sputters along and, just when you think the film can’t sink any lower, a fabulously “wtf?!?” scene arrives where Diggums unhinges his jaw, scoops up dirt at a rapid pace, and poops it right on out of his rear end. To be honest, I’d rather have watched that scene on a loop for the full 94 minutes rather than this substandard junk.

Rubbish. There's really not anything good about <em>'Artemis Fowl'</em>, except for the decent score perhaps. The premise is terrible and poorly told, not helped by the fact it takes itself pretty seriously for much of the 95 minute run time. The pacing is off, while the effects are meh. The cast don't work any wonders. Nothing personal against Ferdia Shaw but he isn't good in the lead role, I thought his age-mate Lara McDonnell did alright as Holly though. I like Josh Gad but his role here is bad, his narration is particularly ropey. Judi Dench's Julius is irritating too, while Colin Farrell and Nonso Anozie are underused. A big misfire, unfortunately. Not the worst film I've ever seen though. They openly set up a sequel at the end, which I'd imagine won't be happening given the reaction to this - a situation like 2007's <em>'The Golden Compass'</em> potentially.

I thought Ferdia Shaw did fine as the eponymous character here. Sadly, the rest of it falls well short. He's the son of his namesake father who lives amidst the grandeur of "Fowl Manor" assisted by "Dom" (Nonso Anozie). His dad (Colin Farrell) regularly heads off on long, mysterious, trips and it is whilst on one such journey that the young man is issued with an ultimatum or face never seeing his pa again. An all-powerful gizmo must be found and it's in their house somewhere. Can he find it in time? Turns out that he isn't the only person looking for it. It was originally stolen from the fairies and so the pointy-eared, menacing, "Commander Root" (Dame Judi Dench) has despatched "Short" (an engaging effort from Lara McDonnell) to seek it out and retrieve it. Though the visual effects are lively enough, the adaptation of the story here is all a bit of a mess. The narration (Josh Gad) is little short of irritating; Dame Judi (and her seriously ropey Irish accent) just doesn't work at all well and the pace of the thing is all just too messy and rushed. We never really get to know any of the folks here, nor have much chance to explore the underlying mythology that gave the book that added spice. It's not terrible, and for younger kids might just have enough pyrotechnics and colour to divert complete boredom, but given the resources available for this film, it's really little better than a shallow CGI-fest that really doesn't do Sir Kenneth Branagh much credit at all.