Piranha 3D

This is the 2010 remake of the old classic. The original is pretty much crap so I bought this one solely based on the fact that it has been getting unusually good reviews from both critics as well as viewers. I have to say that I am at loss as to why. There are loads of much better films in the action/horror/fantasy genre’s that, at least the so called “critics” totally hammer. Why the hell this trash got so good scores is beyond me. The female acting consists of showing off your boobs then get eaten. The male acting consists of being an asshole, get your dick eaten, then get the rest eaten. The main “event” is a contrived scene when the main asshole get his dick bitten off and the piranhas eat it and spit it out again under water. I’m sure the 3D effects made it even more ridiculous than in 2d. I usually have rather high tolerance for poor acting and bad scripts when it comes to otherwise effects and gore loaded films but most of this film I was just thinking, “what the f... is this shit!”. Most of the film was just scenes stashed on top of each other designed to show of 3D effects with boobs and various ways a human could get eaten. This is a typical example of why 3D is bad for the movie industry.

Piranha hunt in packs - not for protection, but for overwhelming force. Actually many of today's younger multiplex goers hunt in packs, they know what they like and they know how to have a good time with even the most crude or banal movie. I don't mean that as an insult, it's just indicative of the film market available to them, it's the reason why films like this here Piranha remake/re-imaging/re-jig exists and makes money. Even "spawning" a franchise on occasions. Alexandre Aja's Piranha 3D is a complete machine gun of a movie, it knew exactly how to sell tickets at the box office. Even before the 3D was used as a selling point, the word down the grapevine was the promise of lithe bodies in beach wear and loads of CGI killer fish shredding the hell out of a whole community. And that's exactly what is delivered, only with extras that see considerable nudity in the mammary areas and Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames kicking buttocks. It's all very bloody, even lurid and exploitive, while it's difficult to know if you are meant to laugh, scream or do something that Russ Meyer would endorse? But, and I say this as a middle aged old fart, there is so much fun to be had here if you are prepared to unscrew your head and take out your brain. Strap yourselves in Piranha 3D haters, your grandchildren might just be enjoying in the future: Piranha 27: Sexy Mechanoid Bimbos Fight Back. But will they hate themselves in the morning? 7/10

In 1975, Richard Dreyfuss starred in Jaws; 35 years later he had a cameo in Piranha. His connection to the first film is obviously the only reason he’s in the second, wherein he’s killed off before his name even appears in the opening credits. Dreyfuss is not alone, though; Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames also get to whore themselves out. In the latter's case, there was never any danger that Piranha would result in another hand-me-down acting award for Jack Lemmon; on the other hand, Rhames has easily the best scene in the entire movie — using an outboard motor in a way that would make Ash Williams proud. But I'm getting ahead of myself; Shue and Rhames first have to find the remains of Dreyfuss, then capture a piranha which they take to Christopher Lloyd (in full Doc Brown mode), who identifies it as a species that has been extinct for two million years (according to the subtitles, Lloyd calls it the "regional piranha," but he may actually be saying "original"; either way it doesn’t matter because neither term makes sense). An earthquake released the piranhas from an underground lake, or some such bullshit. Q: "How could they survive for so long cut off from the surface?" A: "Cannibalism. They must have fought each other to survive.” Until, presumably, there could be only one. Piranha MacLeod? Well, that would actually explain their apparent immortality. Piranha is supposed to be a comedy — or, specifically, it's a remake of a parody of Jaws released three years after Jaws and 32 before this one. In other words, this material was so diluted it was almost homeopathic. Shue and Rhames are big fish in a small pond here — kinda like those poor Sea World orcas (I know they’re mammals; you get the idea, though); as such, the only emotion they inspire in the audience is pity over their career choices. Only Jerry O'Connell, in a role no doubt based on Joe Francis (of Girls Gone Wild infamy), moves as if he's in his own element — ​​because he is; he knows exactly, having been in several others of the same ilk, what kind of movie this is, and navigates it accordingly.

<em>'Piranha 3D'</em> does attempt something a bit different to the film it remakes (unlike the 1995 redo) and parts are decent (e.g. the gore), though all things considered it's not a movie I'd wanna revisit. It isn't as concise or as fun as Joe Dante's flick, the effects aren't the most convincing either. The 3D portions are funny to see all these years later (in 2D, obvs). I was never a fan of that format, so I'm glad it never stuck around - pure gimmick. Going back to the effects, the piranha's usage and design underwhelm. I also said this in my review of the 1978 flick's sequel, but: less is more. The cast are alright. Elisabeth Shue is the clear standout, her character is actually quite cool in terms of what she does and how she handles herself; not a female character that is only there for their looks, like most are here to be frank. Elsewhere, Steven R. McQueen is solid too. Interesting to see the involvement of Kelly Brook, someone I know from her work away from film; smart casting, to be fair. Away from those, Jessica Szohr is decent, though Jerry O'Connell is rubbish. Adam Scott, Ving Rhames and Christopher Lloyd also appear, Richard Dreyfuss too. It is better than the other 'follow-ups' to the original and I didn't find it to be absolutely bad, so I guess it merits small praise for that. Still, not one I'd recommend.