The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior

If you are expecting anything even vaguely connected to the “Mummy” films, or it’s “Scorpion King" spawn, then you’re in for a disappointment. Actually, you are probably in for one of those anyway as this flails along for just shy of two hours. I like my mythology; I like my winged beasties and nasty tyrannical kings and here I found myself on their side without fail as the violently orphaned “Mathayus” (Michael Copon) has to thwart the evil king “Sargon” (Randy Couture) by visiting the realm of Hades and fetching a magical sword. Fortunately, he has the help of his feisty childhood friend “Layla” (Karen David) and, for me at any rate, the star of the film in “Ari” (Simon Quarterman) who at least appeared to understand just how rotten this script was. We have everything from a labyrinthine monster to a sultry underworld goddess called “Astarte” (Natalie Becker) but it is all two-dimensional stuff with acting talent that proves every inch the perfect match for the banality of the dialogue. Just how anyone could take such a rich vein of mythology and turn it into this daytime television nonsense is anyone’s guess, but restricting your casting choices to eye-candy might be an obvious place to start. In many ways it reminded me of an edition of the “Hercules” television series, only without any charisma. There is a scorpion, of sorts, at the end - but by that point I was volunteering for it to sting me instead.